My Heart

I heard on the radio the other day that someone said that when you have a child, it's like seeing your heart, your actual heart walking around, and that there's nothing in the world that can compare. It's stronger than any love you could ever feel for anyone else. My mom has told me that I won't understand what it's like until I have a child of my own, but I tell her I already have a child of my own, of course. A few, in fact. Some people think that you can't have this same love for a child that you didn't give birth to, but that's not true. When you go through what I've been through with Nes, it is possible. That little face is everything in the world to me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, and seeing that big smile takes my breath away. She's just the most amazing, awesome, perfect little thing I've ever seen.

Even when I was in the hospital with her for an appointment, and she was running all over the place, as I tried to chase after her while on crutches. Or when she first learned how to spit, and was trying to spit in my face, while laughing at the same time, but she learned the effects of gravity that day, as the spit didn't reach me, but came right back and landed on her own face again. She's as naughty as anything, but I don't think I could ever be mad at her. I can't believe I am so lucky that I get to spend another 7 months with her, and see her beautiful face every day. I wouldn't trade that time with her for anything in the world. It's so hard to be away and not be able to see her grow up. But at least for 7 months, I will be able to fall in love all over again, every day, every time I see that smile, every time I see my heart walking around. And when the time comes that I have to leave her again, without knowing when I'll be able to return, I'll once again be without my heart, as it will be in Africa, walking around with a big smile.

"There is no friendship, no love, like that of the parent for the child."

11 June

I'm really not a fan of birthdays, but I feel I need to talk about mine yesterday, because it was just so awesome. Not because of anything big, but all the little things that added up to remind me of how lucky I am.

First things first - opening day of the World Cup! I've never watched a world cup before, and I had no idea how the tournament works, but it's in my home country, so the anticipation has been beaten into my head for the past 3 1/2 years, since the time I first saw the countdown in the Johannesburg Airport in December 2006. And the excitement has been growing exponentially since then. Until now, I kept thinking to myself of all the negative ways this is going to effect the country and its people. What will remain when the World Cup is finished, and the lives have not been changed in the way the people have hoped or been led to believe? Will they be worse off than they were before? But now that the time has come, and the World Cup has finally begun, I've put aside those negative thoughts, and I just imagine that I could be there with them, and I'm blowing my vuvuzela in spirit.

Ok, so aside from the World Cup, here's how my day went: I had a Physics exam at 8:30 in the morning, which didn't seem like a great way to start the day, but finding out immediately after I finished that I got a 100% felt pretty awesome. And then I went to work, which is boring as always, but the office closed at 1:00, as it will every Friday during the summer.

So I came home at 1:00 on Friday afternoon, with nothing to do for the next 6 hours. I laid down in bed and picked up a new book, and got comfortable. And within minutes I was sound asleep. I woke up a couple hours later, checked the internet for World Cup updates, and then my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and saw on the caller id that the number started with +49. My heart almost exploded. This country code is all too familiar to me. Germany. What an amazing, awesome surprise to hear Lili's voice on the other end. We could only talk for a few minutes, as you can imagine the cost of calling an international cell phone, but it was so unexpected, and so great to hear such a familiar voice that I miss so much.

And within minutes of getting off the phone with Lili, I got a call on skype from Jojo. This is just too much! Two calls from Germany within minutes! And since skype-to-skype calling is free, me and Jojo could enjoyed a less rushed conversation. It was awesome. And it makes me miss our time in South Africa so much, but it also builds up the excitement for my trip in August (as if I wasn't excited enough already). By the end of the day, I had heard from all of my germans. But luckily, this isn't such a rare thing. It's amazing how we've been able to keep in such close contact through distance and time. I think that was one of my biggest fears when leaving South Africa in 2008. There are few things I am more thankful for than my germans. I don't think they'll ever know how appreciative I am of their friendship. Jojo told me yesterday that it's so funny to see how I've changed from when they first met me. But what I don't think they realize is that a big part of my change is because of them. Although I'm older than all of them, I really look up to my germans. They're role models to me, and I've learned from them how to be a better person. These relationships mean more to me than they could ever know. And if for no other reason, it was a perfect birthday because I was reminded of how lucky I am to have these 6 best friends in my life.

One last push

Well, that 5 week break went by pretty fast, and I started up my summer classes this week, so I'm in the final stretch now. But I was surprisingly productive during my time off from studying. I got my visa application done and sent it to the embassy, my flights are booked, the surprise baby shower for El and baby Fi is done, and I got my DVD finished except for burning it onto a DVD which is a complicated task in itself. So I guess the only thing I wasn't able to do that I had on my list was to learn German, but I guess that was a little optimistic. So now I'm back to studying for the next 8 weeks. And who knew calculus-based physics could be so much fun..

So all in all, this was a pretty great week: in addition to starting my physics summer session, my passport with the new visa came in the mail yesterday. Yuhu! And what better day to receive it than on my son's 18th birthday. I talked about my daughter Nes before, but I haven't mentioned my son Akon. It's amazing to watch a teenager grow from a child into an adult, and to see them learn to be responsible and mature. I consider myself lucky to have been able to see this transformation. He has a big heart and big hopes, but he just needed a little guidance and support to stay on the right track. And like everyone else, he wanted to know that someone sees him. He has tested me many times, as if he's looking back to see if I'm still there. And I always am. So he walks on. Many times along the way I got frustrated and told myself, "I'm too young for this. I can't raise a teenager." We've pushed each other's buttons at times, and he's tested my limits, but from this we formed a great bond. He has come to trust that I'm not going anywhere, and even when I'm oceans away, I call him all the time to check on him, making sure he's going to school and keeping up with his responsibilities. And since he knows what my first few questions will be as soon as he answers the phone, he gets up every day and does what he needs to do, so he can hear me tell him just how proud I am. And I always tell him just how proud I am. And I guess somehow that keeps him going.

So I continue to count the days..