Bittersweet Goodbyes

I think one of the hardest things about developing close relationships with my kids is eventually having to let go. I guess that goes for any parent, no matter what the situation is with their children. They can't stay at home forever. They have to grow up and move on with their lives. And my children can't stay at an orphanage forever. They all must either be reunited with their families or be placed in the care of a guardian who will take over raising them until they are ready to live on their own.

AB has been living here for 10 years. He's probably about 14 or 15 now; nobody knows his real age. And after growing up here and spending the majority of his life here, the time came for him to move on and stay with a family that can give him the love and attention he needs and deserves. I've known AB since 2006, and although he can get himself into trouble sometimes, I trust him with my life; more than I trust any other child. He reminds me of the football player from The Blind Side. He dropped out of one school after another, and he can hardly write his own name or read, but the one thing he can do better than anyone else is protect the people he loves. He's the definition of loyalty. And to be able to do that after being let down your whole life by the people you love - it's incredible. He amazes me and we got especially close in the past week because for the first time in 4 years, he had a serious conversation with me instead of just making jokes. He confided in me for the first time as to what he was really feeling and what he was scared of. And from that moment, it seemed as if he never wanted to leave my side. Whenever there was any thought or question in his head, he wanted to run it by me and hear my advice. Every time a child opens up to me like this, it blows my mind. What is it that made them feel like they can trust me? I don't think I treat them any differently than anyone else. But AB started calling me "mama" this week. He told me he was so happy because he knows how much I love him and he said I'm like a mother to him, and that I treat him as though he were my only child. I think maybe the difference between me and a lot of other people in these children's lives is that although I have so much love for so many children, I make a point to give each of them my undivided love and attention to make them feel special. I think it's easy for a child at an orphanage to get thrown into the shuffle. It's easy to care for the children together as a whole. But each one needs individual love and attention. So that's what I try hard to do. I want each one to know that they are special.

So it's hard for me now to say goodbye to AB. He found a family who will foster him and he's very happy to have a place to call home for the first time, and to have people who will love him and spoil him like he deserves. I'm so happy for him because he couldn't stay here forever, so it's great that he got this opportunity to have a family. But the selfish part of me will really miss him. He left this morning feeling optimistic about his future and what this family will be able to give him. He even told me he really wants to go to school, which shocked me because he kept dropping out of school or running away from school, so the orphanage gave up trying. I think maybe he just wants someone to really see him. If this family gives him the attention he needs when he gets home from school, and the support he will need to get through school, I really think he will be able to succeed. I think the problem he had was keeping himself focused and motivated when he felt there was nobody by his side. Hopefully this family will be able to do that for him. Oh my AB. I will really miss him. But I know this is the best thing for him and he knows I'm just a phone call away.